Mayor Ford

A satirical look at Rob Ford – Mayor of Toronto

Okay – lets get one thing straight: I love the gays.

Recently I made a comment on FoxRadio 1010 about how I support ‘Traditional Marriage’.

Holy Toledo! – did people get hopping mad. But It’s just a misunderstanding…

By ‘traditional’ I meant renting a banquet hall in the suburbs and serving chicken and having the bride dress all of her ex-friends in polyester fuchsia.

Nothing to do with the gays.

But since it seems to have opened up a Pandora’s box, I’ll come out… with my official policy towards homosexuality:

I LOVE THE GAYS.

I know the gays keep the economy rolling, what with all the clothes and glow sticks, and such that they buy.

I know the gays have contributed immensely to our culture. Who doesn’t love Steven and Chris on CBC? Or Penn and Teller? Or those guys on Myth Busters? Hell, I grow up on the Three Stooges, and even at my young age I knew they weren’t right.

Gays are just like normal people, except they are gay. Hey, even I went through an experimental period in the 80’s (who didn’t?).

My Experimental Years

So, in conclusion I love the gays.

And yes: I believe the gays should be allowed to marry.

Just not to each other.

Keeping you on the straight and narrow. ©

If Elected: Will Sell Ward 1 to Brampton

Aug-4-2010 By Mayor Ford

Okay, I’ve been thinking a lot about this one…

You know how sometimes you have an old bat (not talking about Lulu here – I’m talking the baseball kind). Lets say, it used to be a good bat. One of the best. But it’s used - real used. Scuffed up now. Dinged here and there. And hell, you haven’t picked it up since the 1980′s. You have no use for it now. It’s just taking up space. What do you do?

Sell it on eBay.

Now – ever been to Ward 1? North Etobicoke?

I have. Once.

It’s scuffy.

Bit dinged up.

Hasn’t really had any love since the 1980′s. It’s just taking up space. Sure, there’s the Albion Mall, but that went down hill after Dairy Queen left the food court. Other than that, it’s a vastness of wast.

So, if elected, I vow to sell Ward 1 on eBay. I think Brampton would be chomping at the bit to buy, don’t you? And by throwing it on auction it will make ‘em sweat. Brampton will panic. I know them.

So here’s the math:

If we can get, oh, lets say $35k for Ward 1 – that’s not a lot, but when you think about the savings – now it starts to sing.

Savings on police. No fire depatments. One less set of letterhead to print at city hall…

Now we’re talking. Here’s my calculations for savings:

That’s nearly $50,000 a year. Divide that by each and every Torontonian, and THAT’S money in your pocket!

(BTW: I’m keeping Ward 1 Councillor, Suzan Hall. Lets just say she gets the old Ford Motor running. And besides, I’ll need someone to fetch me coffee when I’m Mayor.)

$aving you the money! ©

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Okay. I’ve been thinking about this one a lot.

A week ago I visited a food-bank in Scarborough for a photo-op and I couldn’t believe what I saw.

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My vist to the Woodview Food-Bank

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First a bit of background: do you know how much food-banks cost the city each year? Any idea? I don’t know. Maybe $100k. Maybe $500k a year. Let’s say a million to make the math easy.

Can you believe that! A million dollars of your tax money disappears into the bellies of food-banks each year!

And guess how much revenue they generate? Just guess. Nothing! And why? It’s so simple you’ll kick yourself…

They give the food away for free. Yes. For FREE?!?!

Holy Suffering Mother of Donkeys!

So this is where my business background will come in. All they need to do is start charging for the food. I know this seems obvious to you (and to me), but it seems to have been missed by those keyhonks at City Hall.

Now, I know what you’re all saying. “But the people who go to food banks are poor. They are poor.”

That’s right. So this is where my market research background comes in. I’ve discovered that if we start selling beer and lotto tickets at the food-banks, as well as food… we’ll make a killing!

I’m always thinking.

So, let’s do the math. How many food-banks in the city? Let’s say 12. Sound right. Each one sells – oh I don’t know – $75,000 of food, beer and lotto tickets… that’s over 2 MILLION DOLARS in revenue!

Boo-yah! And that’s a million dollars profit – right in your pocket.

You can thank me later when I’m the Mayor. ®
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Bike Lane Toll Booths

Jul-16-2010 By Mayor Ford

Alright. I’ve been thinking a lot about this one:

Here’s how we can reduce the deficit while doing good in the world. Really, it’s a win / win.

Bike Lane Toll Booths…

We toss them in every 500 yards or so. Collect money as the Damn Bikers © pass by. Lets do the math, okay?

Lets say the average biker rides 2 km a day. We charge $25 a kilometer. How many people in this city ride a bike? Oh, I don’t know… lets say 200. Maybe 250.

Lets say 200 to make the math easy. $25 a day X 200 people X 200 days. Thats a cool million or so!

This is how I think it will look. This picture was put together by my dear daughter, Britney. She did it using something called Photoshop.

Now, I can get these things made cheap. I know a guy. We can do it based on this photo so we don’t need the Damn City Engineers ® involved. We just need a thousand or so volunteers to install them. Cost to the city -> almost nothing!

But I know, I know. I can hear the whiny bike riders sniffling away… “But if I have to stop and pay every 500 yards I’ll take forever to get to my job at the CBC. What will I do?”

I thought of that too. I’ve had Britney design a special helmet called the Easy-Pass helmet. Each time a bike rider with one of these passes by a booth it will automatically suck the cash out of their bank accounts (assuming they have a bank account).

Here’s Britney’s design:

Best thing: That million dollars we raise from these booths will be split between each and every Torontonian. One million dollars divided by 3.5 million Torontonians is quite a few dollars… right in your pocket!

You can thank me once I’m the Mayor.